Translated by JUMIMA
Original German text
Thomas is nineteen years old and is in high school. He would like his professional career to be in electrical engineering or data processing. He has had a girlfriend for two years. So nothing special. – But Thomas has had a sexual relationship with an man who was 18 years older for five years, from the age of eleven to sixteen.
Thomas: “For me it was actually nothing special. It would have been for my surroundings, but I don’t think anyone knew. Just think how the gossip would have started had it been discovered. And then it would probably have reached my parents or one of my siblings. I knew I was doing something that shouldn’t be. But still I never looked back and never felt threatened. Especially not in the past few years. I also didn’t find it sinful what I was doing. What I experienced and learned in the relationship was something special and very beautiful. It couldn’t be sinful or wrong. I had also arranged it myself. I still know that very well.
I was eleven years old and it was spring. I knew that Horst was always sitting at the edge of the forest with binoculars. I also knew that there was a lot of talk about Horst in the village, that he was swimming naked in one of the forest ponds and lying there naked and sunbathing.
One afternoon I rode my bike to the forest and Horst was sitting there. I started a conversation with him on the pretext that I was interested in birds and would like to look through his telescope. Suddenly I said to him: “What a pity that you can’t see through the trees with binoculars, because I know for sure that you could then see a lot of lovers in the forest.” Horst went into it and told me what he had already seen in the forest. Suddenly we talked about masturbation. I remember that I was trembling with excitement because this was the crucial moment. Horst asked if I did it myself. I said yes, and then he put his hand on my fly and said, “Let me see.” I had achieved what I wanted and felt a triumph within me. Horst said: “You can do it to me too.” With trembling hands I did it, and so we had sex with each other for the first time.”
How did you know all of this at the age of eleven?
Thomas: “That came from my older brother. I was about nine. We slept together in one room. One evening we were horsing around, and suddenly my brother took my hand, put it on his penis and said, “Play with it.” I was a little startled because his penis was so big and there was so much hair around it. I had already seen pictures of naked men, but the reality was different. But I found it pretty exciting, it had something mysterious about it. My brother said it was very nice to play with it and started playing with my penis to prove it.
That was the beginning of frequent sex games with my brother that were practiced for about two years. Then my brother started to have intercourse with girls.
I always found it very nice and exciting. My brother always played with me for a while, just until I got an overwhelming feeling and said: ‘No more now.’ Later I realized that that meant ‘orgasm’. No semen came at that time, but my penis was so stiff that it seemed to burst. I didn’t know anything about seed or anything. I only discovered that when my brother and I once did it in the barn during the day. I was quite frightened when my brother had an orgasm with semen. He laughed out loud and explained to me that it was much nicer than what I experienced. I gradually understood why my brother always took a handkerchief to bed. We always did our lovemaking in the dark because our parents weren’t allowed to notice it. Just before my brother started going with girls and no longer wanted to do it with me, I got a little fluid, and that was even more appealing than what I had experienced before. So my brother stopped sex games and then I made a conscious effort to get in touch with Horst. As a replacement for my brother actually. So when I was eleven I knew about these things, much more than the other boys in my class. They learned things from me and thought I was very experienced. They also never asked how I knew all of this.”
How did you and Horst continue?
Thomas: “We always did it outside. Also in the winter. Sometimes there was snow; then Horst swept away the snow, took off his coat, put it on the ground and we wrapped ourselves up in it. In summer, of course, we mostly stripped naked and made love in broad daylight. It was actually quite dangerous because we weren’t hiding so well. Someone walked by once. Horst quickly laid down on me so that it looked as if he was making love to a woman. But we were scared. Horst asked if I wouldn’t rather come to his house. He lived with his mother, but it wouldn’t have been a problem. It’s kind of crazy – but for some reason, I never wanted that and it never happened. Horst didn’t push for it either.
We often sat on the edge of the forest for hours, telling each other things. Sometimes nothing happened, sometimes it did. Horst often started and then said: ‘Do you want to do it?’ If I answered in the affirmative, we looked for a quiet spot in the forest.
We loved each other as everyone loves, I think, until we both climaxed. After a while we went home. Horst taught me to make love in many ways, with the hands, the lips and with the whole body. I enjoyed it very much and he no less. It was completely different from sex games with my brother. I felt safe and secure so that I could let myself go completely. Horst let me discover where the beautiful places on the body are and what can be done. It was different every time and I always discovered something new. Only that I never wanted to have it in the butt. Nor did Horst ask about it. He was always very caring and tried to make it as nice as possible for me; he also asked me mostly what I wanted. He completely adjusted to me, and I felt guilty about that, I gave so little back. But he assured me that it would be particularly nice if I was happy.
Sometimes Horst wanted give me something. Candy, ice cream, a book or something. But I never wanted that. I think then he would have made me feel like I would benefit from him. He didn’t insist on that either. He then hugged me vigorously, kissed me and whispered in my ear: ‘It’s okay, Tommy, you are a very nice boy.’
Did nobody know about this contact?
Thomas: “No, nobody. I never told my friends. After a while I realized how endangered Horst was, and at all costs I wanted to avoid that he or I could cause him to get into trouble. My friends and my parents knew well that I had already been sitting at the edge of the forest with Horst. They probably thought I was very interested in birds, and I left it that way.
Horst never spoke about me with anyone. Maybe once; when I was about fifteen another boy from the village was sitting with him. The boy was a few years younger than me. He didn’t want to leave and I wanted to cuddle with Horst so much, and Horst made no move to get rid of the boy. Suddenly it occurred to me that Horst could love this boy too! That idea was a big shock to me.
When the boy finally left, I asked Horst about it. He said, ‘Oh Thomas, you’re jealous! Listen: there is really nothing. The boy is probably going to come here every once in a while. I’ve never told him anything about you. Maybe he wants something with me, but I don’t want something with him.’ I think that was the only time that Horst didn’t tell me the whole truth. From a distance I say today: this was probably the beginning of the end. The thought of the boy never left my mind. Not that something about Horst had visibly changed. But still. From that moment on I went to Horst less, and I became increasingly interested in girls.
Then everything went really quickly. After a few months I stayed away. And now it’s been three years. I avoid Horst, and if I happen to meet him, I greet him and move on quickly. I find that ugly myself and am ashamed of it. He must have heard now that I am going with a girl. There had to be an end to it. But I still think he’s a fine guy. I will never say a bad word about him. I looked for the contact myself and I learned a lot from him and he gave me a lot. I think I will draw a lot from my experience with Horst in my relationship with Julia. I want to be a little bit for Julia what Horst was for me.”
Wasn’t it difficult for you to get in touch with girls?
Thomas: “No. Look: I’ve always had a lot of friends. I did a lot with them. Horst was far from everything. The contact was different, and with him I made love; not with girlfriends. In the beginning, I found it difficult to make love with girls. Horst knew me so well and I knew him too, so that everything went like clockwork with him. I was initially awkward with girls. It’s very nice with Julia now.”
Does Julia know about your relationship with Horst?
Thomas: “No, nobody knows. I won’t tell her either. I don’t think that’s necessary. It could also be dangerous for Horst. I already let him down anyway. I must not do more to him. After a few years, I may tell her when our children are older and she starts warning them about strange men with candy.”
Would you have your son love with a man later?
This question comes as a bit of a surprise to Thomas. He hesitates and then says: “I guess I have to, right? I could hardly say no. I will definitely give my son a better education and I will never say to him that he must not go with strange men. But then he must already know something about sex and then he must also be about eleven years old. Above all, I would like to know what kind of man it is. I wouldn’t find a man like Horst bad. But then I hope he tells me so we can talk about it together. Because one is quite lonely with one’s secrets all the years, although there is also something exciting about it.
But the biggest problem is be the termination of the relationship. Actually, I ran away myself, but I don’t see how to do it differently. If you don’t break the relationship, the other one has to do it. Still, the separation still concerns me. I think my behavior was basically mean, and that towards Horst, who has always been so nice and kind to me. I would like to give advice to my children about such situations. Only – would they accept my advice?”